COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you