COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You Might Also Like
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I hope this email finds you in a well
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
White Castle for the Win