I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Mouse
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Respect
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.