*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Meow
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”