[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
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Realize this:
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*seductively eats two tums*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.