Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?