COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.