If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.