Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me, too, girl. me, too.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku