Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You Might Also Like
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
put ‘er there pardner!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.