Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”