COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”