[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby鈥檚 two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I鈥檝e made my peace with that
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*