Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’d love this…lol
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.