Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors