Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
You Might Also Like
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.