COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
translated into Canadian
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping