Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
a badder mouse
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Yup
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.