I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
58.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”