“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!