goldfish mafia
You Might Also Like
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.