#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.