Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
There’s always that one guy
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The Punning Dead.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence