Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You Might Also Like
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Don’t make me out nice you.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?