@sad_jake: Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
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@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
@Mikecanrant: Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly underestimated my love for cake. On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?