A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
WHY?!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.