My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
uncle dave has been through hell
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
catch me on valentine’s day like
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT