Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
You Might Also Like
Succinctly put.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Golf would be better with landmines.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me