Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Finally
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣