Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
so weird how every mom was born today
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.