Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
We’ve all been there…
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures