@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?"
Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny
"You're free to go.."
Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
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@WilliamAder: I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
@Cheeseboy22: The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
@phxguy88: The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
@NervousJr: My family is starting to catch on to my "I died" excuse.
@iwearaonesie: *wife walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
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