@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?"
Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny
"You're free to go.."
Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
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@sip_at_home_mom: "OMG, this is better than sex!" -Me, snacking during sex
@jake_lach: In my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time.
@5hael: [David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath] MY BREATH: This is nice.
@Mom_Overboard: *tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere* Me: *whispers through pain* parkour...
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