I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
DATE: I鈥檓 just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I鈥檓 looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.