Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
The three genders
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing