Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons