Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]