4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
So inspired right now.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.