The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I would like even faster food.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.