They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
You Might Also Like
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
This sounds bad:
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
apparently this year was written by stephen king
That was easy.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.