COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
is this store having a stroke wtf
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Good news
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My dog ate my work from home.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes