COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Meanwhile in Portland…
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds