Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Print is alive and well!!!
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t