Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Sooo many times…..
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
this is so top tier i cant
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.