She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Oh the world we live in…
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*