COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.