Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Banderslack Clamberdorch
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.