Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone