Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
We’ve all been there…