Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
an airline just for babies.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time