COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.