[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁